


Nonlibido: Enamoured Abhorrence

by Twisted_Eternal_Wolvetta



Category: Mai-HiME, Mai-Otome
Genre: Asexuality, Bad end, Depressive, Experimental Style, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26901289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_Eternal_Wolvetta/pseuds/Twisted_Eternal_Wolvetta
Summary: "What has happened to Kiyohime!" Her throat was raw, the larynx enclosing around her voice box tightly. Instead, she could only hoarsely whisper: "To us...?"
Relationships: Fujino Shizuru/Kuga Natsuki
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Inner Turmoil

Fujino Shizuru, the student council president of Fuuka Academy suppressed a secret—or rather, _had_. In reality, it had been one of many; something so abominable it had remained private for years. The secret was enclosed within the dark recesses of her mind, desperately abandoned to be forgotten. She, with all her heart, craved for her _friend_ , Kuga Natsuki. This infatuation had kindled during her adolescence. A period paramount for all girls, and a realm of darkness for queers. The revelation that she desired the younger woman had broken her. How _could she_? _How_ could such a role model conceal such a _disgusting_ secret? In Fujino Shizuru's childhood eyes, she was a monster—a being so opposite to her peers, she may as well become a legend. Maybe _this_ is why she is a—" _Kiyohime."_ The title drawled without emotion, but her CHILD never manifested. Staggering close to her unrequited love, her hands clenched into orange fleece. Legs buckling from beneath her, Shizuru's knees slammed against asphalt. A cry slipping from her lips as her head pulled down between their bodies. She is _nothing_ but a _**villain**_ ; a person who has betrayed all morality for her love. " _N-Na-Nat-suki."_ She deplored as her voice cracked, shoulders quaking under regretful burden. Shizuru was petrified; why is her CHILD _refusing_ to materialise?! _Why_ now when she needed Kiyohime the most?! Why? _Why? ..._ _ **Why?!**_ This accursed word rendered her down like a demon devouring its prey.

Mercilessly it tore into her conscience, conceiving deluded scenarios to torment her beyond insanity. Clawing her fingernails into Natsuki's front, she pleaded: " _N-Nats...uki… w-hy is Kiyo… ugh."_ Her torso toppled forward as Natsuki stepped away from her. Hands splaying outwards, her fingertips skidded along black asphalt. " _Natsuki!_ _ **Why**_?!" Staring precariously at the younger woman, Shizuru heaved her weight up onto a forearm. " _ **What has happened to Kiyohime?!**_ " Her throat was raw, the larynx enclosing around her voice box tightly. Instead, she could only hoarsely whisper: " _To us..._? _What..._ " Clenching her hands into fists, she hauled herself up onto her feet. Her mental welfare crashed down around her in droves. Like torrential rain, her psych was plunged downriver into the unknown. If she couldn't summon her _own CHILD_ , then this meant—" _ **Natsuki!**_ " Stumbling forward in her bid to reach her, Shizuru's arms stretched out to unconsciously catch herself. Miraculously, rather than smashing into the floor, she crashed into the woman's arms. Braced by the younger woman, Shizuru was guided back to her knees. It was only now that she realised they were surrounded by rubble and debris. The shrine… they had destroyed it… "...Nats...uki." Staring through her, Shizuru's fingertips slid against orange fleece uselessly. Why had she almost abandoned her like that? Why didn't Kiyohime materialise? _Why_ had—The younger HiME's gaze encaptured hers abruptly. A multitude of emotions teemed her face, revealing something Shizuru hadn't dared to hope for.

Anxiety. _Curiosity._ _ **Desire.**_ Did Kuga Natsuki realise her own wish? Had she ever believed her feelings were real? Did they perhaps play tricks on her? Watching Natsuki's expression twitch, Shizuru could only seize her wrists tightly; a look of shock, the tension heightening tenfold—until nothing at all. They stared at one another as daybreak crept above the forest's canopy. Sunlight engulfed the ruined shrine, rays flooding through the broken windows. The glitter rested along their forms, casting short shadows. "Natsuki." The student council president murmured, landing her hands against her shoulders. "I… am sorry." It was remarkable that Shizuru hadn't crumbled at that moment. Lips opening ajar, she eased closer hesitantly. Natsuki never manoeuvred away, her grimace to the sunlight contorting into uncertainty. She wearily settled her hands atop Shizuru's to then, unexpectedly indeed, drag forward. Shizuru was baffled by what had happened. Without warning, Natsuki had lunged against her. Their lips crashed together heatedly. Fujino Shizuru couldn't believe her luck! She… _she…_ "Nats-tsuki." Unable to help herself, her fatigued body succumbed to exhaustion. Embracing the younger HiME, her arms enclosed their bodies together. Every touch sent a shiver through Shizuru as she pulled their lips apart—only to mesh them back together a moment later.

...But this _isn't real_ , now is it?

Plunging awake, Shizuru's heart hammered wildly as she stared through the darkness at her ceiling. A dream—or rather, a _nightmare._ Rolling onto her side in her futon, a volley of dry heaving began, coughing raggedly into her hands. After several minutes, a groan escaped from her lips. It had been two days since the HiME Carnival had concluded. For her, no respite had arrived. Instead, her mental health had deteriorated further. She didn't feel guilty that she had abandoned her fellow HiME—especially _Natsuki_. What good would it do to continue hounding them? The dark morality of her inner turmoil tormented her. How could she remain sane as CHILDs died by her hand? Could she ever seek forgiveness for everything she has ever committed? She had _**murdered**_ the innocent, belittled those unable to stand against her— _ **molested**_ her _most precious person_ …! What she had done… it was _deplorable._


	2. Disgusting Revelation

_Lesbian_. Even the word made Shizuru's _skin crawl_. She had never particularly liked the term nor would she ever. Despite this, she still desperately yearned for Natsuki. It was an impossible revelation for her. She had never loved before—but _oh_. _**Natsuki**_ was another story _entirely_. But of all people, _why_ the rebel? She had asked herself this question a thousand times over. She had absolutely _no interest_ for anyone else—not even a fleeting glance. It was almost as though she hadn't experienced attraction before Natsuki— _if ever_. What was this, exactly? Throughout a person's life, they usually desired multiple people, no? It puzzled her thinking about it further. Even during their first meeting, Shizuru had felt _nothing_ for Natsuki. Was this considered " _normal"_? Her feelings had been extremely vague for the most part. It was still a confusing mess of obscurity. Did she _genuinely love_ Natsuki? Were these feelings romantic or platonic? Why was she unable to discern between them like her peers? _How could a mere child such as_ _ **Tokiha Takumi**_ _love somebody while she could not?_ Why?

A ragged sigh slipped past Shizuru's lips. Hiding her face into her pillow, she wished she could dig a hole and hide in it. At least then she would be totally oblivious to the world. She halfheartedly supposed that her pillow would suffice. But, even so, her mind wandered. Natsuki had accepted her for who she was, but Shizuru simply couldn't bear it any longer. Having confessed during the HiME Carnival, she felt that she had betrayed Natsuki's trust entirely. She had frantically façaded her fellow HiMEs to the HiME Star and back—figuratively, but _still_ — _ **it isn't enough…!**_

It is an **incompetent** attempt on her part.

Pushing herself up languidly, the student council president sat up in her futon. Uncharacteristically so, her body sank forward as she stared blankly at her tatami flooring. Her depression was an acute pain that weighed her down harshly. No matter how hard she wanted to escape it, she couldn't. Idly playing with the neckline of her yukata, she pulled the fabric to cover herself properly. Yukatas had always been notorious for that.

" _Na-tsuki."_ She hissed, her voice cracking from strain. A volley of dry coughs whacked her body upon her whisper. Body tautening, she hauled herself up to lurch towards the kitchenette. In the dim light, she blindly reached for her empty teacup atop the counter. Running the cold water, she leant tediously against the sink edge.

Surely she should feel relief now that the HiME Carnival had concluded? Rather, she felt _much worse_ and missed Kiyohime terribly. Her powers as a HiME had been petrifying but incredibly _useful._ They had mustered her through hardships she couldn't imagine accomplishing now. In the end, she was merely a teenage girl entering adulthood.

It was only going to get worse from here on out.

Hoving her teacup underneath the tap, the water sloshed into it messily. Uncaring, she shut the water off and brought it to her lips—albeit her hands quivering. Shizuru wanted _out_. With her mental welfare weaker than ever before, it was like there was nothing to satisfy her. She had high grades—who cared? College? University? A career? Who gave a _**shit.**_ After tasting the rush of the HiME Carnival, she was addicted. Why would Kazahana be so cruel? She… _everything about society was…_

Draining the teacup listlessly in one go, she shoved it back onto the counter a moment later. Grasping the sink, Shizuru swallowed roughly. How were you meant to feel satisfied with the concept of society? You were educated into adulthood, thrown head first into society, then work until essentially your death. With no desires or enjoyment, how was Shizuru supposed to accept this? She _wanted_ Natsuki, but she couldn't have her.

It was… _it wouldn't be fair._

In reality, she hadn't truly molested Natsuki. It had utterly disgusted her, and if she had committed such a heinous act, she would never forgive herself. She had rested by the rebel naked, and then…

Her fingernails scraped along the metal of the sink tensely. Fingers turning pale, a broken cry shook her. Wasn't this all just _**pathetic**_? She couldn't even get aroused from _masturbation_! Laughing bitterly, her shoulders quaked as she sobbed.

Oh, Natsuki. What would she think?

* * *

 _I based Shizuru's sexuality here on nonlibido-asexuality. This is the "bottom of the barrel" asexuality in where someone experiences_ _ **no**_ _sexual attraction, sex drive or sexual pleasure. Being one myself, this story is incredibly personal for me. I cannot even begin to describe what it's like as I have no understanding of sexual desire. Asexuality is already rare. Around 1% of the global population_ _ **might**_ _be asexual. However we will never know what that percentage is for nonlibidos. In such a sexual society, it's soul-crushingly lonely as relationships are so sexually driven. I wanted to give my sexuality some desperately needed visibility. Hopefully it also helps any of you who are also asexual or didn't realise you were. You aren't alone._


End file.
